Volume 1 - October 11, 2006 Number 24

Full of Sit

Burger King should be ashamed at their new commercial for a Swiss cheese and mushroom burger. They actually spent money to end up with the punch line “we’re all full of sit.”

Of course, it’s a terrible play on words and a long way to go for so little humor. I should be amazed at American television and its advertiser’s quest to push the limits lower, but I'm not. I love humor, even cheap, dirty humor, but it still needs to be done well. This is just a terrible commercial and the people who conceived it are full of sit!

Missed Again

Burger King must be having a fire sale on piss-poor commercials. Which came first, “what’s the French word for creep?” or “we’re all full of sit?” A Burger King commercial presents an attractive female asking the company geek if he would like a bite of her crousandwich, to which he replies that he doesn’t "like French things." The woman asks “What about bikinis?” a fairly suggestive reply to such simple answer.

When the geek asks “How about French kisses,” another office buddy suddenly appears and asks "What’s the French word for creep?" like he is offended. The reaction seems unnecessary as the woman is the one who started the conversation and brought sex into it in the first place. One of two things should have happened here. Either the geek should have punched the interlopers lights out while shouting "mind your own freaking business you pretty-boy ass-wipe," or he should have turned to the woman and said, "Jane, you ignorant slut," while urinating on the cold-cocked pretty boy. Now, that’s the pushing the limit.

NFL Excessive Celebrating

What is excessive celebrating in the NFL? Is it when the players stop the game for victory lap, pour themselves drinks and light up cigars? Or, is it when players smile for 30 seconds instead of the agreed upon 15 seconds, which might be considered excessive, depending the amount of teeth shown. I could see it if a player jumped up and never came down. That could really put a cramp in the passing game with a player floating around the field. Or, if a player did a dance and a party broke out with pole dancers and a laser-light show that might be considered excessive celebration. So, let the games begin!

Major Corporal Punishment

My father believed in the laying on of hands and not in a holy way. If we screwed up, we got an ass whipping. Looking back, I believe my father could have done nothing else. My older brother and I stayed in trouble. The only thing that kept us in check was the threat of violence and even that didn’t always work. We received classic ass whippings that became legendary in our neighborhood. My friends still mention them today. Interestingly, my father wouldn’t lay a hand on my bad ass sister. She got away with murder, but not around my mother. My mother introduced my sister to the twisted, stripped, green switch. In those days, we started crying even before the punishment. Nowadays, they’d put my father under the jail for child abuse, but I believe he’d get off because they'd never find the bodies. He used to tell us if we didn’t quit acting up that “I’ll bury you in the backyard and tell the police you ran away.” To this day, I was never sure if he was just trying to scare us or meant it.

On Words In The Media

While watching television last night, I heard one of my favorite “newspeak” words “harrisment”. Now, I know there is no such word as “harrisment”, but the current trend in newspeak is to say “harrisment” instead of harassment with the emphasis on “ass”. I’m sure some of it has to do with the religious right who pull too much weight to the doors of spineless network executives. I was in the United States Army. Me and my fellow soldiers were harassed on a continual basis by “professional harassers.” You haven’t been harassed until you have been harassed by the military.

Of course, I’m sure they don’t do that anymore with political correctness looking over their shoulder. Although sexual harassment wasn’t an issue, general and on-going harassment was. When someone makes you search a one-acre field looking for the drill sergeant’s sweat—that’s harassment with a capital “H.” That’s why I know that “harrisment” is a term put together by the elitist fourth estate who are afraid their sponsors will cut them off. The military would never have anything to do with such a “sissified” term as “harrisment”.

Real men don’t “Harris” they harASS. The term has much more power and meaning. When I was in the service, I knew I was being subjected to harassment. If someone had told me that I was being “harrised”, I would have laughed. Such a lame word would have meant absolutely nothing to me. If only it had been so wimpy as “harrisment”.

To further my point in "newspeak," When I grew up there were nine planets—Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Pluto, Neptune, Saturn and Uranus. Uranus, pronounced “you’re anus”. Now television news has turned it into “urine-us”. Television found anus to be too flatulent for sponsor’s taste except for preparation H and Beano. Now they purvey urine as the word of choice. The sound of “urine us” grates on my ears not to mention sending me for my umbrella.

Sometimes in our efforts to be more genteel, we become silly. There are other words that television has mangled the pronunciation in an effort to sound dignified and important. For the longest, we had no idea of the difference between a “hoonta” and a hard J “junta.” It took forever to recognize the word as a foreign term and to say it with the appropriate pronunciation. Language engineering happens all the time. However, it is usually inspired by the common masses.

The speaking media may have problems with Uranus and harassment, but the general public knows when it is being harassed and they don’t care about Uranus or anyone else’s as long as there is somebody’s ass to kick for this pitiful mess.

Serious Thoughts!

Incest! There are some words that can cause cold shivers to run down your spine like someone yelling "fire" in the movie theater, or, hearing some one scream for "help," but the one that turns legs to jelly, bringing cold vengeance and scorching anger to the surface can only be whispered in the black community. Incest!

The secret is out and it is long overdue for something to be done about it. There is a common idea in the black community that it is in bad form to air our dirty laundry in public and it is precisely this idea that has protected generation after generation of incestuous fathers, stepfathers, brothers, uncles and boyfriends. Statistics from the Department of Justice show that anywhere from 7% to 30% of all American women have experienced inappropriate sexual attention from a male family member.

In the African American community the numbers are similar, but the acts tend to be more brutal and callous. In 1985, Stephen Spielberg's film of Alice Walker's "The Color Purple" was nominated for 11 Academy Awards and yet it didn't win a single one after the NAACP protested the depiction of black men in the film, with the key point being the incestuous relationship that focused on the main character, Cele. The NAACP protest cost some deserving actors and actresses a chance for fame and glory, but that is only the material side of the loss.

The biggest loss comes from the dirty dregs the NAACP tried to sweep under the carpet and that is incest does happen in the African American community. Not only does incest happen; it happens far too often. Certainly, black men have been picked on, beat up and dissected but when an act is wrong being black as ten past midnight does not make it right and will never make it right. In their myopic approach to protecting the African American community the NAACP shot itself in the foot and insulted thousands of black women who have suffered the insult on unwanted male attention.

Black men rape women, girls, boys, and the NAACP wanted to make sure the lid didn't come off. It was never on, but stood as common knowledge within the community. Where was the NAACP when every night a regular parade of black men in handcuffs sauntered across the television screens in America for the same crimes? Where were they?

Fortunately, the NAACP leadership has changed now, but incest has not. It is still in the community, hiding under a rock, locked in the frightened throat of little girls and boys to afraid to tell. Unfortunately, these things usually don't happen in vacuum. Many times mothers are aware of what is happening but will not go against their lover, husband or some other male family member so as to not rock the boat.

Well, if it ever was a secret, it is no longer. Closets are for putting clothes in and not for hiding dirty laundry. If we must air it in public, bring your can of Oust because it is past time for this stink to die.

Doctor Bodacious