Shut Her Down

Carting a camel through the eye of a needle is exceedingly difficult, but it can be done. Moving a McDonald's milkshake is even more difficult without ending with brain-freeze, but it can be accomplished also. Moving the Rock of Gibrater through a tube less than half that size is a near physical immpossibiliy, but it can be done with hours blood-curdling screams, more promises than a politician and withstanding a full-speed, head-on collision with NFL All-Pro Linebacker, Ray Lewis. 

I started the week with root-canal on one of my lower front teeth. I've had a root-canal before and it was no big deal. Once the root nerve disappears, the pain is gone--I thought. An abscessed tooth sent me for my first procedure. The dentist told me she needed to perform a root-canal. At the time, I thought,, "I'll let this heifer use dynamite if necessary." The pain instantly disappeared. About five years later the same thing happened with identical results.

The camel and the Rock of Gibraltar still awaited, I went home still numb and polished-off a Whataburger double-meat and double-cheeseburger. That's when it all changed. Suddenly, my tooth started throbbing like Isaac Hayes' in "I'm Going to get you Sucker." They say one way to get rid of pain is to have more in other place.

I didn't plan it, but sure enough, I developed another pain that quickly made me forget about my tooth. A white-hot ache shot from lower my lower back making me see Captain Kirk and the Enterprise sparkle and after being hit by a photon torpedo. Having a fool for a doctor, I immediately determined the pain came from the back surgery in 2010.

I laid on the hard floor seeking relief. Peace finally arrived about two in the morning. With my back hurting, I woke up to go the toilet not suspecting it was the final count down. As I did my duty, I noticed that things weren't flowing well. In the next thirty-seconds I managed to tear down the towel rack, wake my wife and send the local dogs into a  howling fit.

I felt the pain subside and decided I had to see what caused much pain. I looked through the cloudy water and there it sat, a rock so big it could make Kim Kardashian envious. I would like to say that was it but another of less generous proportions awaited.

Enough punishment I thought until I came down with the shakes from 103 degree temperature. I got my antibiotic and a gallon of cranberry juice. I'm cured! The Cowboys play the Giants tomorrow night. That means there will be no improvement in my demeanor. Meanwhile, I'm under Nurse Ratchitt's care for the duration. Too add insult to injury, my doc said layoff the Vitamin-Water because it is saturated with minerals (vitamins)!

Kidneys Stoned