Just a Few More Feet

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Sitting in my favorite barfateria, I watched two women palmer-gait from the order station to their seats. The way they walked, I expected to look down and find that both of them had some type of horrendous foot disease or injury, but a close inspection revealed the only problem they had was one of two thing, feet to big for their sandals and sandals to small for their feet.

Every year when it gets warm my eyes are subjected to a podiatrist’s nightmare as women of all sizes and shapes insist on jamming their crusty ass feet into a pair of sandals that if they could, would shout for police protection from the egregious assault of perfectly good shoe leather. What is the deal? Every year I see more ugly feet than Dr. Scholl at a foot stomping contest.

Have you ever walked up behind a woman wearing sandals and noticed that they have as much foot sticking over the sandal as is in it? In the front their nails are scraping pavement and in the back an inch of crusty heel is shredding the hard wood floor into toothpicks. Some have more crust than a loaf of French bread. I’ve seen the same women at the nail shop. When the nail technician comes out to give them a pedicure they are wearing goggles and wielding a Dremel. Sadly, none are the same, so, there is no cure-all. Some are swelled up like hot air balloons making their favorite flip-flops look like the string wrapping on real salami.

Others look like round baloney on square sandwich bread as meat is overflowing on all sides and doing an effective job of wiping the floor. More than once, all I’ve seen nothing but straps as the sandal is completely hidden by a big foot in a shoe that is at least two sizes too small. Some are skinny, some are wide and many of them are unmanicured and dirty. I don’t even need to be looking to know they are approaching as the sound of the flap-flap, slap-bap coming down the hall alerts me to their approach.

Women, please get you some damn sandals that fit your feet and pick up your feet when you walk or the next shooting rampage will take place where you get your nails DID.